Arashikage Food Revolution
by ShadowRaptor8
Summary: Storm Shadow takes Jamie Oliver's place.  I was tempted to label this as horror, but Ronald McDonald would hunt me down.
1. Storm Shadow On The Air

**So, what happens to America when Jamie Oliver is not, in fact, Jamie, but **_**Storm Shadow**_**?**

**This idea spawned when I visited my family and discovered that my close four-year-old relative ate chicken nuggets for breakfast, lunch, and diner. That and hot dogs. I was utterly sickened and newly motivated to make a difference in the world. Storm agreed to be put into this un-canon story to help me with his (as well as my) goal: To save lives from obesity and untimely death.**

**Btw, Scarlett destroyed the sign with the disclaimer in her mad coffee-lacking rage. I do not own GI Joe **_**or**_** Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution.**

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><p>"Oh, Lord. . ." Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes had just arrived in Huntington, West Virginia, the unhealthiest city in America. Nearly half of the adults are considered obese and children eat pizza for breakfast. These two were on a mission to change America, one city at a time. Hearing the statistics was one thing, but seeing the town was another. As the brothers drove past fast food restaurant after fast food restaurant, they were shocked at how hard their task was going to be.<p>

Taking the job into small segments, the first thing they needed to do was inform the city about why they were here. While Snake Eyes turned a small strip mall store into a kitchen, Storm Shadow would go to the local radio station and explain why they were in Huntington. As he approached the door to the building of 93.7 the DAWG, Storm had a feeling of apprehension. This was not going to go well.

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><p>".. . And this is 93.7 the DAWG. Folks, this guy Tommy Arashikage is here in town, and he's on some kind of a mission, and we don't know what this mission exactly is, so he's here to explain it to us." Rod Willis, the radio announcer, told Huntington. "First off, why are you here in this town?"<p>

"I'm here to start the biggest food revolution this country has ever seen," elucidated Storm Shadow. As he spoke, he noticed a slight grimace of distaste on the man's face. He knew then that this entire first encounter with the city was not going to end well. "Right now, this city is the unhealthiest city in America, and I am here to fix that."

"Why do you say that about us? I mean, there are other cities with the same problems as us."

"People here are dying younger than anywhere else. I want to raise the average life span," answered Storm.

"We don't want to sit around and eat lettuce all day." Rod was getting worked up, leaning into the microphone. Storm could tell that he disliked change.

"Would you rather die?"

"No, I just don't think you should come here and tell us what to do. I mean, who made you the food police chief?"

"If everyone had the same attitude as you—"

"Do you really think that people are going to listen to you?" interrupted Rod.

"You—"

"No, they're going to go right back to their old eating habits once you leave."

"Damn, you're negative."

"So you're saying that when you leave, everybody is going to be eating healthy?"

"That's the idea. I'm going to fix homes, schools, restaurants. . . My brother and I'll have a shop where people can come if they want to learn how to cook real food, not processed, additive-loaded, sodium-filled greasy crap. I suggest you come and I'll teach you how to make real food. And I'll use spinach, not lettuce," ranted Storm Shadow.

"We'll see how that turns out. Folks, Tommy Arashikage has been our guest this morning, now back to the music." Rod smirked at Storm, and Tommy had a barely controlled urge to snap the man's neck.

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><p><em>How did it go? <em>Signed Snake Eyes back at the small strip mall shop.

"Not the way I expected. I thought there'd never be anyone as hard to get along with as Beach Head, but I think he's met his match," smirked Tommy.

_Naw, Beach is healthier._ Snake definitely had a grin behind the mask. He and Storm liked challenges.

**Sorry if this is too non-canon, but I can't just ignore a great story idea. My brain would turn inside out and deep fry itself, and that would be a gruel punishment for not writing a story. (Kidding, kidding. . .)**


	2. Central City Elementary

**Storm Shadow has told West Virginia his mission, now he must put it into action.**

"Really? They're eating that shit for breakfast?" Storm Shadow was at Central City Elementary in Huntington, West Virginia staring at the breakfast plates. He, who had been on many missions, been in many battles, and seen a lot of carnage was not scared by much. But looking at the breakfast trays again, Tommy Arashikage could not suppress a shudder. Pizza. Greasy, disgusting, cheesy pizza for breakfast. This crap didn't even resemble pizza! If it were real pizza, it may have been all right. But this cheese-loaded fatty blob of solid grease and preservatives barely even _smelled_ like pizza.

From inside the lunchroom, Storm Shadow could hear the sounds of microwaves, plastic wrap, and freezer doors opening and shutting coming from the kitchen. What he did _not_ hear, however, were the squeaks and creaks of oven doors, of the faint buzz of ovens heating up. He thought over his plan and cursed in Japanese. He had one week. _One week_ to prove to the school board that he could change the eating plan, be under the budget, convince the kids to eat his 'rabbit food,' _and_ not 'screw the school up.' In the not-so-wise "words" of Snake Eyes, he was screwed.

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><p>"<em>Why <em>are they eating pizza for breakfast?" In retrospect, not the best first words that could have come out of Storm's mouth.

"Why not?" Alice, the grumpy lady of the lunchroom, obviously did not have children herself.

"'Why not?' '_Why not?' _Kids can't run all day eating this kind of shit! They can't function!"

"They seem to be doing fine to me." Alice would not budge.

"Oh, no, they're fine. They're just not at their full potential. They'll only become addicted to shit, live a life of diabetes and obesity, and make your country look bad. No, they're just fine." Storm had pulled the 'America is fat' card. He knew that some Americans like Snakes and Beach (with _that _accent, obviously American) were really fit. He just wanted to further his point. "You're ruining the already screwed up future of America!"

"Well, it fits our budget. Polly, get the chicken nuggets ready!" Alice called to her coworker.

Storm was too shocked for words. He decided to wait and watch for a day, then start to change the school. He realized that the only so-called 'cook' opposed to him was Alice. The rest would be fine with change in the diet of America. Storm went out of the kitchen to ask the kids about their daily diet after seeing a totally appetizing mashed potato dish. Made out of 'potato pearls.' AKA shit.

"So what's this stuff on your cereal?" Tommy asked a young girl. He was pointing to a horridly pink liquid.

"That's milk!" She said with a wide smile. Storm Shadow was speechless. Pink milk. Shit in the pizza, shit in the cereal, shit in the _milk_, shit in the mashed potatoes. . . "Kuso!" Storm cursed and **stormed** back to the kitchen to watch them reheat chicken nuggets for lunch.

"Did you know that chicken nuggets are the most processed food, followed by hot dogs?" Storm asked one of the lunch ladies.

"Really? No, I didn't. All I know is that we take the stuff shipped to us from the freezer, heat it, make bread, and serve it." She answered.

"Well, at least you make your own bread. . ." Storm sighed.

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><p>After the work day was over, Storm decided to have a little meeting with the lunch crew. He was sick of the talented cooks having to work with processed crap. That would really piss off Roadblock, at any rate. The problem was that this group didn't appear pissed in the slightest.<p>

"Okay. Truthfully, do any of you recognize this?" He pulled out from the freezer a clear plastic bag of something frozen and yellow. "Generally, if I don't recognize something, I don't shove it into my mouth in a hurry."

"That's scrambled eggs." Great. Alice spoke: his argument was to be shot down into the dirt. Wait, scrambled eggs? _That?_ It took a few seconds for Tommy Arashikage to calm down enough to speak.

"Okay, then. But would you really eat this? Do you have any sort of problem with it?"

"Nope."

"You would eat this?"

"Absolutely."

" You would let innocent five-year-olds eat this shit."

"I don't have a problem. We're willing to try things your way if the people with more power than us are willing."

Storm Shadow had already left.

* * *

><p>Snake Eyes was waiting for him at the shop. <em>Did you manage to convince the school?<em>

"Not quite. It's time we started on the town our own way."

_So Operation Deep Fat Fryer is a go?_

"Absolutely." Both ninja were grinning uncontrollably. Time to take things into their own hands.

'**Operation Deep Fat Fryer?' Sounds ominous, no? Time for a little ninjafied action!**


	3. OPERATION: DEEP FAT FRYER

**Operation Deep Fat Fryer Time! *maniacal laughter***

That night, Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes stood at the entrance to their small shop looking down the street in separate directions. After standing there for a couple seconds, they were gone. Storm Shadow had come up with an elaborate plan to destroy every deep fat fryer in the city by morning. Snake Eyes had fully agreed (somewhat.)

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><p>That afternoon. . .<p>

"And after that, we leave the elephant at the nuclear reactor and no one will be any the wiser!" Storm looked fired up and ready for action. His face was bright and his eyes shone with the fervor of his fat fryer-busting plan.

_And why do we need to drag an elephant, two pairs of skis, a baseball glove, a fireplace, gay purple badgers, and a nuclear reactor into this? Couldn't we just slice the deep fat fryers to pieces?_

"You take the fun out of everything. Practical people. . ."

* * *

><p>Inside the eighty-fifth house Storm Shadow visited, a little girl who was asleep on the couch with the T.V. on had woken up and noticed him. Young children could really be perceptive at times. . .<p>

"Are you the tooth fairy?"

"Am I WHAT?"

"The tooth fairy. My mommy said that the tooth fairy wears white pajamas and comes at night to take teeth that fell out and replace them with a nickel. And my tooth came out, too!"

"Why are you awake, then?" Storm decided to ignore the comment about pajamas. He realized that it would be best to play along in the hopes that the girl would not wake up her parents. Although he could easily leave through the air ducts, the less people awake the better. "You're not supposed to see me."

"That's Santa, silly. Where are your wings?" Storm could see that the girl was getting tired, and as he watched, she fell asleep again. Storm walked across the room and turned off the T.V. for her. He felt guilty because he did not carry money with him, and therefore did not have a nickel.

"At least I'll save her teeth and arteries. . ." He muttered to himself while slashing apart the deep fat fryer that almost every house had. Although he did not have a nickel, he had something that he was sure would be just as good. He gently placed it on the sofa next to the girl and left the house quietly.

* * *

><p>The next morning, both Storm and Snake had destroyed every deep fat fryer in the city. They made it back to the shop by sunrise and turned on the radio to listen to the news. They were sure that people would notice that their deep fat fryers had been reduced to piles of metal, plastic, and grease.<p>

". . . have been coming in from all over Huntington about deep fat fryers being slashed to bits. At first, I would have blamed the newcomer, Tommy Arashikage, but he couldn't have done it. I mean, he'd have to be a ninja or something."

Storm was rolling around on the ground, fist in mouth, shaking with silent laughter. Snake Eyes had facepalmed and now was barely controlling his own reaction. Radio Announcer Rod Willis had hit the nail on the head, albeit unknowingly.

* * *

><p>Miles away, a little girl's dad had just woken up. He groaned because he had fallen asleep and forgotten to leave a nickel for his daughter. As he had this thought, the girl in question came charging into his bedroom yelling.<p>

"Dad! Dad! Look what the tooth fairy left me!"

He stared in shock. The little girl was holding up an unsharpened shuriken. "Where. . ."

"Mommy was right! The tooth fairy _does_ wear white pajamas!"

* * *

><p><em>She WHAT?<em> Snake Eyes signed. He was on the verge of laughing so hard it would be an ab workout.

"Apparently, she thought I was the tooth fairy. I left her one of my unsharpened shuriken. I hadn't gotten around to fixing the thing, so I decided that she could have it."

Snake Eyes nodded. A shuriken was a reasonable thing that the 'tooth fairy' could give a little girl.

**Storm: Karama9, I like the idea.**

**Snake: **_**No, you are NOT force-feeding people tofu.**_

**Kage: *groan* You just HAD to give him the idea, didn't you? He read your review. . .**

**Storm: I wonder where I can even **_**get **_**tofu in this town.**


	4. School Again

**Once again in the lunchroom. . .**

"Okay. I decided to go with your pattern of serving, but we make simple substitutions. Take these chicken nuggets for example." Storm was telling the lunch ladies about his plan to include healthy food in the kids' diets.

"What about them?"

"See these lean chicken breasts?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, if you cover them in this panko bread and put them in the oven for ten minutes, the kids would eat them."

"Would you bet on that?" Alice challenged.

"Yes, I would," Storm responded.

"Then, I propose a bet. If there are no chicken breasts left in the first of three bins of them on the table, I will run around in a giant veggie suit while the kids chase me in P.E."

"And if there are any left in this _one_ bin?"

"_You_ run around dressed like broccoli."

"You're on." Storm was grinning. He would enjoy seeing Alice running around dressed up like a giant vegetable. "Just watch out for rabbits."

* * *

><p>At lunch, the kids were surprised to see giant breaded things instead of chicken nuggets.<p>

"Wow, what are these?"

"They're giant chicken nuggets!"

"Cool! I want one!"

Behind the counter, Storm was grinning. "They love them. The substitution of steamed carrots for 'mashed potatoes' seems to be going well, too."

The bowl of fruit was nearly empty, and the carrots were gone. The chicken breasts were disappearing fast, and it looked like Storm was going to win the bet. Suddenly, a familiar face appeared in the food line.

"Hey, it's the tooth fairy!"

"I'm NOT the tooth fairy," Storm answered.

"Don't you wear white pajamas?"

"No, I don't." Storm was giving the kid a death glare that she was completely ignoring.

"You wear white pajamas, I saw you!"

"I DON'T WEAR PAJAMAS!"

The entire lunchroom was silent. Alice leaned over and whispered, "Ever heard the expression 'too much information?'" Storm turned his icy glare on her. When the chatter picked up again, the girl seemed to finally understand that Storm was not the tooth fairy.

"Sorry, sir. I mistook you for the tooth fairy. He gave me a star!"

"Shuriken."

"Yeah, that thing! Sorry!" The girl ran off happily.

* * *

><p>Alice was laughing maniacally. The kids had left for class, and she was staring at the one piece of chicken left in the bin. The kids had loved the meal, but there was <em>one<em> chicken breast left in the bin.

"Nazeka. . ." Storm was standing there with a look of utter disbelief on his face.

"Get ready to be broccoli!" Alice's face was triumphant, even though she now believed that the school could change.

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><p>"Horrible, horrible day. . ." Storm sighed, looking at the paper. The stores all over Huntington had brought in deep fat fryers from Texas and were now opening new wings dedicated to fixing the 'fryer mutilation phenomenon.' Deep fat fryers from Texas and an entirely new section of every Costco dedicated to fixing broken fryers. The world really was going down the drain.<p>

_You ran around dressed up like a giant pea pod?_ Snake Eyes signed, reminding Storm of his failed bet.

"I'll never make a bet again. . ."

**This chapter really makes you feel sorry for poor Storm, no?**


	5. Kaboom

**EXCUSES FOR KAGE NOT UPDATING AS FOLLOWS:**

**a.) in a deep depression following a friend explaining what a Twinkie is (having had no previous idea that such a thing existed)**

**b.) spontaneous combustion of the lawn mower**

**c.) on a murderous rampage destroying McDonald's chain restaurants**

**d.) wondering how even a foreigner could possibly need to ask what the expression "the shit has hit the fan" means**

**Go on, pick one.**

**Disclaimer: I only own the fat man. The SWAT team is already in existence, and GI Joe was Hasbro's idea, not mine.**

The shit had hit the fan. The ground shook with the tremors of bombs exploding and tanks passing. Cramped in a tiny niche in a wall, Storm Shadow listened to the air raid siren and grimaced. "Remind me again how we got into this situation. . ."

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><p>Earlier that day:<p>

Storm was tired of deep fat fryers, fat and stubborn lunch ladies, seeing the future of America go to pot. Of course, having a deep obsession with explosives, the ninja decided to solve the problem with a bang. Storm was indifferent to math, but an equation popped unbidden into his head: Problem + C4 + ninja = no problem + happy ninja.

_You don't think people will notice the C4 in the imported fryers?_ Snake Eyes couldn't help grinning at the ludicrous idea.

"Fat people are unobservant."

That's_ your answer?_

"It's the answer with the most truth. . ."

Snake Eyes decided to leave Storm to his insane and devious plans.

* * *

><p>Storm Shadow was outside the city, holding a remote and laughing maniacally while the entire town evacuated believing Huntington to have been threatened by terrorists. Snake Eyes face palmed and reminded himself to set up a meeting with a psychiatrist for his brother.<p>

"You have to admit, brother, the situation _had_ become a little explosive. . ."

Snake Eyes faked doubling over laughing.

"Here goes. . . Hehehehehehe."

The entire town went up in one, beautiful fireball.

* * *

><p>Back in present time, the SWAT team was looking for the culprits. Snakes and Storm squeezed out from the hole in the wall that only a couple of ninja could fit in. "I think we're safe now. . ."<p>

"Here they are!" The mayor of the city had arrived via pickup truck. As he got out, he shut off his walkie-talkie while several SWAT cars pulled up. The cornered ninja looked up, hoping to escape over the wall behind them, but saw several paratroopers instead. They had no way out.

"Think you punks can blowtorch my town? Think again!" The mayor was fully out of his truck. The jaws of both ninja dropped. He was gigantic. Towering over both ninja, the man looked to be about seven feet tall and was very, very horizontally challenged. The man looked like something from a horror movie. He had enough chins to match his height in centimeters. He started to sit down on top of the ninja.

* * *

><p>"GAAAAAHHHH!" Storm sat up in his bunk sweating. No WAY he was going to be sat on by a fat guy. . . Realizing he had woken everyone else up and that they were staring at him, he smiled widely and sat down on the edge of his small bunk apologizing.<p>

Later that day, playing chess with Snake Eyes, Storm Shadow started snickering. _You okay? By the way, checkmate._

"You'll never guess what a great idea I have. . ."

Snake Eyes took one look at Storm's face and decided that he did not want to guess.

**All jokes aside, I apologize for being absent from the internet. Due to circumstances involving sweat, blood, and tears, training would not give me time to write. Thanks for holding out.**


End file.
